The picture above is pretty much how I feel a lot of the time, especially in the last few months. Music is something I don't think I could live without - I think going deaf would probably have to be one of the worst things I could think of because I wouldn't be able to hear music anymore. It makes me calm when I'm angry, helps with the hurt when I'm sad and makes me super happy when I'm happy. I created a playlist about a month ago because I wanted a bunch of songs that were slower, quieter and more 'lyrical' than my other playlists because I couldn't deal with listening to energetic, happy songs at the time and I have had that playlist on repeat since I created it. It's one of the most soothing things to me and just makes me super content.
Out of the music on my phone though, I rediscovered the below song today. It's originally a video and Jon Cozart (the guy that made it) is awesome! I had to watch his other stuff and I then I just wanted more when I was done.
I've been feeling pretty Disney-fied lately as well... so much so that when we had to create a mood board for my makeup course, the only thing I kept coming back to as my inspiration was Disney. I ended up going towards a "Little Mermaid" look, playing on the red, purple and green colour theme.
My mood board for my makeup course.
In my last post, I said I was going to be starting a makeup course and start realising the dream of becoming a makeup artist and now I've finished all my assessments and have pretty much "achieved" everything required to become certified. I've just got 2 handouts that still need to be reviewed/marked and then once they're cleared, they'll send out my certificate and it'll all be official (but the lecturer said last night that they're fine 90% of the time, so it's pretty safe to say it's all good)!
I had my final photo shoot for the course last night and had to do a "bridal" look for the shoot. I had my amazing little model of a sister as my model for the shoot and the photos I saw on the photographer's camera were A-MAZING! I seriously can't wait to see the photos and no doubt I'll be posting at least one of them on some sort of social media once I get them... I just have to bear in mind how much I spend on the shots!!
In addition the makeup course though, I feel like I've just been caught up in a whirlwind lately and I don't know sometimes how much I can handle before something has to give. To quote a line from a movie (but I can't remember which one...), "I feel like my skin is the only thing keeping me from going everywhere at once." It's not a bad whirlwind, it's just chaotic. It's almost like there's so much going on in my life that I don't know what to think sometimes or where to look.
First, there's my makeup course. Second, I just got a 6 month secondment at work and am now working as a development coach with the Learning & Development team of newer staff. I did a few weeks as a rotational coach last month and I found I loved it more than I thought I would, so I'm stoked that I've pulled it off and this is what I'm going to be doing for the next few months.
One of my best friends, Claire, published a book that was released late in July and it's seriously amazing. There was even a little release party for a few people and I was pretty damn excited that I can now say I've been to a release party. It's about the supernatural and I could not put the book down when I read it. It's not too expensive and it's not available here in Australia yet, but if you want to order it, click here to buy it on Amazon or here to buy direct from Pegasus Publishers.
Claire's amazing book.
Finally, the last thing that's been playing on my mind (it's barely left since January) is my surgery and how it's all been going. For those who don't know what I'm talking about, you can read my last "coming out" post about it here. I keep being amazed by the little things and I can really feel myself coming out of my shell. The official number of how much I've lost is 43.1 kgs and I figured out that I've shrunk myself by just over a quarter of my total weight.
It is starting to frustrate me clothes wise because I only have a few items that I'm wearing on frequent rotation because a) it fits and b) I love the way it looks. I had bought a pair of red jeans a while ago that were tight when I bought them and I loved them because I had a pair of skinny jeans, but now they're not-so-skinny and I need a belt to hold them up because they're too big. However, there's no point in buying a whole bunch of new clothes when I'm just going to outgrow them soon. I know it sounds petty, but after years of not paying attention to my wardrobe because I didn't think it was worth it and I didn't really like it, I am finally starting to have some fun with it, so it's kind of annoying that I can't have as much fun with it as I would like to.
I think one of the biggest things that's kind of fascinating me at the moment is how out of sync my mind is with everything at the moment. Yes, I've lost a whole lot of weight, but my mind is still playing catch-up. I don't see myself yet as (for lack of a better word) "worthy" because the insecurities that surrounded me for years are still there. They were the insecurities that caused me to shut myself off from so much as a protective measure because I didn't want to be hurt. They were (and still are) more powerful than I ever realised because it's not until you start to look at them with a new set of eyes and realise how silly they are that you see that it's not that big a deal.
But despite the fact that I can look at myself and know I'm being an idiot, the insecurities aren't letting go just yet. Despite the fact I can look at myself now and acknowledge that I am looking good, my insecurities are still saying the opposite. I guess when you spend so long telling yourself that no one could possibly find you attractive that you start to believe that and it doesn't switch off overnight, although I am starting to see otherwise now. Although, when my family have compared me to others who I thought were clearly smaller than me but they tell me I am, in fact, the smaller of the two, I just can't comprehend that yet. I think it'll be interesting for me to find out how long it'll take for me to eventually change my thoughts completely, but I'm still enjoying the journey in the meantime.
Me back in January and then a fortnight ago.
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