When You Change, What Happens to Your Relationships?

I'm in a reflective mood again today and it's when I'm in this mood that I really take stock of my life and think about where I've been, where I am and where I'm going. I usually end up posting some kind of reflective status or photo on facebook, which I did today. And it's that that's caused me to reflect a bit more than I already was. I've realised today that such a big change in your life not only forces you to learn about yourself, but you also learn about your relationships with others. For my entire journey, I've been very lucky to have such an amazing support network.

My immediate family has, without a shadow of a doubt, been in my corner the whole time and been incredibly supportive.
My extended family have surprised me. I knew there would be a few that would, again, support me no matter what. The last text my grandad sent to me a month before he passed away this year was about how proud he was of me, how good I was looking and to keep it up. But then there were a few who have been very supportive when I didn't really expect them too. When one of them makes a comment or talks to me about it or how I'm going, it makes me very happy, because it's a side I've not really seen before (even though I kinda knew it was there somewhere).

The biggest lot of relationships I've seen be influenced by this whole change though is my friendships. You really learn about other people when you go through such a big change in your life. There are the people who you knew would be there from day dot and are incredibly supportive and you know they're not going anywhere and they're right there for you through this whole thing. There are the people who you thought would be supportive and behind you the whole way, but are only supportive on the surface when other people can see. There are the people who don't check in with you every so often, but when they do, it makes your day because you can see how happy and excited they are for you. And then there's the group of people that surprises you the most because you don't really know who's in that group on any given day. It's that group of people you don't really talk to that often or you might not really interact with but who seem to almost come out of the woodwork and "like" a post or photo on facebook or leave a comment. Those are the ones I almost love the most because it's like you may not speak to them much at all, but that little hit of the "like" button shows that they care.

The thing is though, your relationships change as you change. You become closer to some people because you're more open or confident or outgoing and your share more with them, whereas some of your other relationships start to break apart because you have changed as a person and what may have worked before doesn't necessarily work now. What I've noticed is that my relationships with the supportive, positive people in my life have gotten better and stronger because they are genuinely happy for me and I can see that, whereas the relationships that are starting to falter are the ones with people who have been less supportive than they could have been and I can see that they don't really care. It's caused me to feel very self conscious about talking about certain things around them because I feel like I'm boring them once again but I know it's the way they feel about me that's the issue and not something I can change. Realistically though, if they can't (or won't) accept the changes I've made and the person I am now, that's not my problem and I'm much happier and more "me" than I was before, so why should I have to censor the "real me" to fit everyone's preferences?

I've seen a lot of things this year about "breaking up with toxic friends" or "getting rid of the negative people in your life" and I understand completely, but it's not as easy as just "breaking up" or "getting rid" of someone because there are moments when it's good and the friendship is fine. I've always avoided conflict and I'm not about to start burning bridges, but if some of my friendships just drift apart because we're too different now, I'm prepared for that.

I know that I should have expected my relationships to change, but just how much they've changed sometimes amazes me. It'll be interesting to see what happens with them further down the track. Will the positive ones just get more positive and the negative get more negative or will something else happen? I guess time will tell.

Yes, Surgiversary is a word. And mine's today!

Ladies and gentleman, February 4th is a date that will always be a special date to me. It's the anniversary of my weight loss surgery (more about that here if you're interested), so I decided to call it my "surgiversary".

A quick Google search told me that it is, in fact, a word and seems to be a word used by those who have had surgery (most of which seemed to be weight loss surgery). I get the whole idea of wanting to give it a name and to acknowledge the date - it's got a special spot in my heart because it's the day I got a second shot to do life right.

Me before, during and a week ago

I sometimes can't get over how much my life has changed in one year. Obviously, the biggest thing has been my weight and it's something that I can't really escape. It plays on my mind often enough, whether it's me noticing something new or thinking about where I was, or thinking about where I am now. It still sometimes amazes me at all the small things that have changed because I changed my weight.

The biggest difference is that I am much, much happier. I remember being so depressed and being in a really dark place when I was overweight and there were nights when I would cry myself to sleep because I just didn't know what to do and I didn't want to live my live as that fat person because it limited so much. I got very good at portraying the happy, bubbly, outgoing person that most people saw most of the time (unless you really knew me and saw my down moments too), but my self-confidence was absolutely trashed. I hated myself so much that I have no doubt I would have self-harmed (there were moments when I wanted to and nearly did) had I not been too chicken to deal with the pain. I felt like majority of my friends were "fake" and only tolerated me because they were friends with someone I was genuine friends with, because I didn't understand how people could genuinely be my friend.

Good news is, my mood and attitude these days is pretty much completely the opposite. Most of the time, I am now the person whose image I used to project - happy, bubbly, outgoing and confident. I am able to say now that I do look good (not all the time, but no one is perfect!) and I have enough faith in myself these days to do what I want and go for the things I want. It's almost indescribable how big my change in mood and attitude has been, but it's what I've loved most about the whole journey.

One of the things I have been very conscious of along the way is sharing my story. I don't want to go into overkill and be someone who talks about just that all the time, but I have absolutely developed the mindset of being very open about it and talking honestly about it all with people. People are always asking questions, because they're naturally curious about it and I have had several times where people have preempted their question with "please don't be offended by this" or "you don't have to answer if you don't want to, but..." and I always assure them that they don't need to be concerned about that and I'll answer whatever questions they have. Want to know what I weighed to start with? What it felt like after the surgery? Want to see the scars? Want to know why I chose the sleeve over the lap band? Or even what the difference is between them? What else had I tried to lose weight before? I will answer pretty much anything now and I don't really care how personal it seems.

My theory is that if I can help just one person make a positive change in their life, then it's all worth it. I've had a few moments like that already where people have told me they consider me to be an inspiration, I've had people using me as a source of information while considering the surgery themselves (I was so lucky to have someone like that myself, because I asked them so much beforehand and it really was one of my best sources of information) and I've even posted a photo online of one of my scars, but then saw a friend of mine posted a picture of themselves and said seeing my photo had inspired them to take theirs and post it and I can't explain how much that meant to me when I saw that.

In addition to all the other changes I've been through, within the last month or so, I've really started to get into the gym and actually working out and it's blowing me away at how quickly I'm seeing results from that. I'm not talking just the numbers on the scale, but my blood pressure and heart rate (which is currently my favourite thing that's improving because of how much better it's getting!) as well. I've said all year that the surgery is the best decision I've ever made and I think my 2nd and 3rd best decisions were joining the gym and getting a personal trainer. Stadium Fitness is fast becoming one of my most (dare I say it?) favourite places and even if I'm in the crappiest mood, it doesn't last long when I walk in there. Yes, I'm going to give this place a shameless plug because I was the most anti-exercise, anti-any-activity-that's-good-for-you person I knew and if I can say what I've just said above about going to the gym, then they've gotta be doing something right there. So, if you're looking to join a gym or switch gyms and East Perth works for you (FYI, this place is open 24/7, so even if you work in the city and want to stop by before/after work), then check out Stadium Fitness here - if not for any other reason than because I told you to (and then you can thank me when you join up).

I don't know where the journey will go from here or what will happen, but I'm excited about it. Part of me wants to wait until I get down to my goal weight and get everything finished and sorted and then look at doing something to help out other people with their journeys, however that may be. I find writing this blog every so often gives me an almost therapeutic release and while sometimes I worry about the length of a post and it being too long, I've toyed with the idea of almost writing a book about the surgery, the process and my journey, but I'm not too sure yet. Who knows, maybe I'll end up some kind of successful author or life coach one day (although I do admit the idea of me being a life coach makes me laugh...)! Whatever is in store though, I say BRING IT ON!!

Too Much For A Facebook Status

The title pretty much says it all - what I want to say is too much for a facebook status. So I'm taking to my blog again. I was on the way home from getting a fabulous massage (which, 2 yrs ago, I would never have done cuz it would have involved me taking my top off and I wasn't comfortable enough to do that then) and I got to thinking about how much my life has changed.

It's 8 months today since I started on this massive journey. Even though the op date was Feb 4th, I had to do prep beforehand and started on Optifast on Jan 26th (it was meant to be 2 weeks, but I gave myself until Australia Day), so I've been losing weight since then. I'm now only 700g off 50kgs and, hopefully, I'll break through that this week!

It's also a month until my birthday. If someone had told me on my 25th birthday that, in a year's time, you will have lost over 50kgs, I would have said they were mad. But it's true....

I don't know if I'll ever completely understand the full impact this has all had on my life because when I think I understand something or I knew something, it changes or I find out something else. I'm going to say that there's definitely a "honeymoon" phase with this kind of change, because I'm still in it. I've recently discovered that I can now sit on a chair or couch with one knee up and my foot on the edge of the chair/couch, which I find super comfy and something I've wanted to be able to do for ages. I actually like wearing my work uniform now because I can fit into it. I like wearing my high heels because there's now almost 50kgs less weight that my feet have to deal with, so the heels don't hurt as much anymore. I'm going to have to start resizing my jewellery soon because it's getting too big - I've already had to link my Pandora bracelet through my other bracelet so that it doesn't just slide off my wrist!

I remember talking to my nanna ages ago about my weight and I was saying how there are small things that I have to deal with that people without weight problems take for granted and told her how when I went out somewhere, I would always quickly assess how sturdy the chairs looked and try to sit somewhere with the sturdiest chairs so that it would handle my weight. My nanna has since told me a few times that she's never forgotten me telling her that and I'm surprised that she has remembered it because it's such a small trivial thing, but I think it put my situation into perspective for her and it's the trivial things that "normal" people don't understand.

I did the below photo comparison last month of me at the work ball last year and the work ball this year and it hit me that the old Lauren's smile didn't reach her eyes. It's not a genuine smile. And then I started noticing that my smile in a lot of older photos wasn't genuine. Whenever I see old photos of me now, I cringe. I hate the way I looked then and I feel super sad because I remember what the old Lauren felt like.

But everything is so much better now. I'm genuinely happy and I'm no longer scared to put myself out there in terms of what I wear or what I'm feeling and I (obviously) have no problems talking about my op and weight loss journey. Part of me kinda hopes that putting it all out there will help someone else who is in the same position I was and is debating whether they should actually do the surgery or not.

Keep Calm and Play Music

The picture above is pretty much how I feel a lot of the time, especially in the last few months. Music is something I don't think I could live without - I think going deaf would probably have to be one of the worst things I could think of because I wouldn't be able to hear music anymore. It makes me calm when I'm angry, helps with the hurt when I'm sad and makes me super happy when I'm happy. I created a playlist about a month ago because I wanted a bunch of songs that were slower, quieter and more 'lyrical' than my other playlists because I couldn't deal with listening to energetic, happy songs at the time and I have had that playlist on repeat since I created it. It's one of the most soothing things to me and just makes me super content.

Out of the music on my phone though, I rediscovered the below song today. It's originally a video and Jon Cozart (the guy that made it) is awesome! I had to watch his other stuff and I then I just wanted more when I was done.



I've been feeling pretty Disney-fied lately as well... so much so that when we had to create a mood board for my makeup course, the only thing I kept coming back to as my inspiration was Disney. I ended up going towards a "Little Mermaid" look, playing on the red, purple and green colour theme.

My mood board for my makeup course.

In my last post, I said I was going to be starting a makeup course and start realising the dream of becoming a makeup artist and now I've finished all my assessments and have pretty much "achieved" everything required to become certified. I've just got 2 handouts that still need to be reviewed/marked and then once they're cleared, they'll send out my certificate and it'll all be official (but the lecturer said last night that they're fine 90% of the time, so it's pretty safe to say it's all good)!

I had my final photo shoot for the course last night and had to do a "bridal" look for the shoot. I had my amazing little model of a sister as my model for the shoot and the photos I saw on the photographer's camera were A-MAZING! I seriously can't wait to see the photos and no doubt I'll be posting at least one of them on some sort of social media once I get them... I just have to bear in mind how much I spend on the shots!!

In addition the makeup course though, I feel like I've just been caught up in a whirlwind lately and I don't know sometimes how much I can handle before something has to give. To quote a line from a movie (but I can't remember which one...), "I feel like my skin is the only thing keeping me from going everywhere at once." It's not a bad whirlwind, it's just chaotic. It's almost like there's so much going on in my life that I don't know what to think sometimes or where to look.

First, there's my makeup course. Second, I just got a 6 month secondment at work and am now working as a development coach with the Learning & Development team of newer staff. I did a few weeks as a rotational coach last month and I found I loved it more than I thought I would, so I'm stoked that I've pulled it off and this is what I'm going to be doing for the next few months.

One of my best friends, Claire, published a book that was released late in July and it's seriously amazing. There was even a little release party for a few people and I was pretty damn excited that I can now say I've been to a release party. It's about the supernatural and I could not put the book down when I read it. It's not too expensive and it's not available here in Australia yet, but if you want to order it, click here to buy it on Amazon or here to buy direct from Pegasus Publishers.

Claire's amazing book.

Finally, the last thing that's been playing on my mind (it's barely left since January) is my surgery and how it's all been going. For those who don't know what I'm talking about, you can read my last "coming out" post about it here. I keep being amazed by the little things and I can really feel myself coming out of my shell. The official number of how much I've lost is 43.1 kgs and I figured out that I've shrunk myself by just over a quarter of my total weight.

It is starting to frustrate me clothes wise because I only have a few items that I'm wearing on frequent rotation because a) it fits and b) I love the way it looks. I had bought a pair of red jeans a while ago that were tight when I bought them and I loved them because I had a pair of skinny jeans, but now they're not-so-skinny and I need a belt to hold them up because they're too big. However, there's no point in buying a whole bunch of new clothes when I'm just going to outgrow them soon. I know it sounds petty, but after years of not paying attention to my wardrobe because I didn't think it was worth it and I didn't really like it, I am finally starting to have some fun with it, so it's kind of annoying that I can't have as much fun with it as I would like to.

I think one of the biggest things that's kind of fascinating me at the moment is how out of sync my mind is with everything at the moment. Yes, I've lost a whole lot of weight, but my mind is still playing catch-up. I don't see myself yet as (for lack of a better word) "worthy" because the insecurities that surrounded me for years are still there. They were the insecurities that caused me to shut myself off from so much as a protective measure because I didn't want to be hurt. They were (and still are) more powerful than I ever realised because it's not until you start to look at them with a new set of eyes and realise how silly they are that you see that it's not that big a deal.

But despite the fact that I can look at myself and know I'm being an idiot, the insecurities aren't letting go just yet. Despite the fact I can look at myself now and acknowledge that I am looking good, my insecurities are still saying the opposite. I guess when you spend so long telling yourself that no one could possibly find you attractive that you start to believe that and it doesn't switch off overnight, although I am starting to see otherwise now. Although, when my family have compared me to others who I thought were clearly smaller than me but they tell me I am, in fact, the smaller of the two, I just can't comprehend that yet. I think it'll be interesting for me to find out how long it'll take for me to eventually change my thoughts completely, but I'm still enjoying the journey in the meantime.

Me back in January and then a fortnight ago.

2013: The Year That Is and Will Be

I know I haven't blogged since my birthday, but that's the way I've always been and I've come to accept that now. I start a new journal or blog or something where the idea is that it's meant to be maintained on a regular basis, but that never happens. Then I come back to it months later, go "oh, whoops!" and make a promise to myself to maintain it more regularly. And then I abandon it again. Yeah, I know... vicious circle.

Buuuut, I'm back and better than ever! Above is pretty much how we brought in the new year! After two weeks in Melbourne catching up with family and spending a long overdue Christmas and New Year's Eve/Day with the Melbourne side of the family, we took to the seas on board Royal Caribbean's Voyager of the Seas.

That ship is the most luxurious, incredible, amazing, indescribable thing I have ever seen!! There was literally a street called "The Promenade" that ran down the middle of the ship. There was a theater, a screening room, the spa, a rock climbing wall, basketball court, mini golf, ice rink, casino, and so much more!! We went from Sydney to Melbourne, Hobart and then back up to Sydney and it was the most glorious 8 days I've ever spent at sea! I seriously didn't want to come home and I think we're all still dealing with withdrawal whenever we think of that cruise.

After the epic holiday of a lifetime, things got back to normal and things changed in a big way pretty quickly. As a little bit of a back story, I've struggled with my weight since year 9. I've just put on and put on and put on and even though I've tried Weight Watcher, Lite 'n' Easy, Tony Ferguson, Michelle Bridges' 12 Week Body Transformation and other countless ways to try and lose weight, I've always ended up going off the rails and putting whatever I lost back on and then some.

So, dad and I went and saw my GP. She had recommended bariatric (weight loss) surgery to me about 2 years ago and I was strongly against the idea. I felt that if I did it, it would mean I had failed. I was absolutely certain that I would not do surgery and I could lose weight without it, but last year, I warmed to the idea and in October, I found myself in my first consultation with the surgeon who would go on to perform my gastric sleeve surgery (it's also called a gastric tube or a tube/sleeve gastrectomy).

I officially weighed in at 163kgs and I'm not afraid of admitting to it. We went on our holiday after that, so my parents and I have no doubt that I put on 2kgs (if not more) on that holiday, because everyone else had put on weight too and they were eating better than me and exercising more than me while on holiday! At that weight, our scales at home wouldn't give me a reading because they only went up to 155kgs, so we don't have a way of absolutely knowing what my heaviest was, but we're calling it 165kgs.

I had to see a dietician and the surgeon's GP beforehand and had to do a blood test, which found my iron levels were pretty much bottomed out and I had to spend a day in hospital prior to the surgery having an iron infusion. Leading up to the surgery, I also had to do Optifast (a Very Low Calorie Diet, or VLCD) to prep my liver and allow it to be in the best condition it can be because they have to move the liver out of the way during the surgery and it's a lot easier if the liver's not fatty, but Optifast meant that when I weighed in at the hospital on the day of the surgery, I had already lost 10kgs.

Now, a gastric sleeve is not something that everyone is familiar with. There are a few different surgeries that can be done - the gastric bypass, gastric band (or, more commonly, lap band), and gastric sleeve. I think there might be one or two lesser known procedures done in the US, but I can't remember them.

Credit: gastricsleevenow.com

The above photo shows the lap band and gastric sleeve surgeries. The lap band (on the left) is where a band is put around the top of the stomach and the port is left just under the skin of the stomach. A saline solution is then injected into or injected out of the port, depending on whether the band needs to be loosened or tightened. While this can work, it's able to be cheated because you can still get high calorie drinks, melted ice cream, melted chocolate and even McDonald's past the band really easily into the main part of the stomach, whereas fibrous things like bread, chicken and veggies are hard to get past.

The gastric sleeve (on the right) is where the surgeon physically removes about 80% of your stomach, creating a "sleeve" like effect. Yes, it's permanent. Yes, it's irreversible. But it's like forced portion control and that's what I needed. For the rest of my life, I'll only be able to eat about 1 cup of food before I feel full. But I'm totally ok with that and I knew about these things going into the surgery.

So, on Feb 4th, I was prepped and wheeled into surgery. I remember the anesthetist telling me to count back from 10 and then the next thing I remember is waking up in the recovery bay and feeling either sore or very nauseous, but my memory is pretty hazy, so I'm not sure which (although I think it was nausea). I didn't have much pain at all while I was in hospital - only a feeling of discomfort when I tried to sit up or prop myself up in bed... basically anything that required stomach muscles!!

I was sent home after three nights in hospital and was told to go home and rest. I wasn't allowed to drive for two weeks after the surgery (I think because of the meds I was on, but not exactly sure). I had to inject Clexane into my stomach for the next 10 days to make sure my blood stayed relatively thin and I didn't develop any blood clots. I was on tablets for a bit, but I took it all in my stride.

I was back at work 2 weeks after my surgery and I have not looked back!!! To date, I've lost 33.1kgs and am down to 131.9kgs!! I had told a few people beforehand and the support I've had has been incredible!! I am finally getting to the stage where I am able to accept that I am beautiful and I have not been able to do that for years!!! I'm now only able to eat a small bowl of food before I get full and it still amazes me sometimes how little I have to eat before I get full!!

Since the surgery, I've just constantly been noticing the small things. The arms on chairs now no longer dig into my thighs and leave them bruised for the next couple of days. Stairs are easier to take. There's more room between me and my steering wheel in my car. I am just developing the most positive outlook and I am big on motivational and inspiration things at the moment. I am getting excited about clothes now because they're fitting better and I can already feel the change in my clothes.

This is the first time I've spoken about my surgery in such a public way. I have only spoken to people face to face about it so far and it's only been to select people. But, by doing this, I am opening up and showing the most personal side to me I've ever put out there. After Angelina Jolie publicly wrote about her double mastectomy this week, I've toyed with the idea of writing about it. And I decided that if I'm going to write about 2013 being amazing, then I have to talk about it.

This year, everything has just been going right. I'm having more success at work than I've ever had in any of my other jobs and it's going great. I was a bridesmaid at my best friend's wedding in April and I can't put into words how good I felt that day. My days are brighter and I wish I had a time machine because I can't wait for the future. I've started to pick up learning Spanish again and I'm acting on my dream of being a makeup artist.

I had a girlfriend ask me to do her makeup for her wedding, which meant a lot to me - it was the first time I had properly done someone else's makeup (which she knew) and it for her wedding!! Her daughter now has me "booked" for her ball in June and in June, I'm also enrolling in a makeup course and taking the step towards a nationally recognised qualification. Once I'm qualified, I want to start doing makeup on the side to my "real" job. My ultimate dream, one day, is to have my own business doing makeup and maybe one day expanding into doing makeup for film, tv and photo shoots.

So, I decided at the end of last year, that this year was going to be my big year. So far, it's been bigger and more amazing than I could have imagined and it will only get better from here on out - like the title of this post says, 2013 is the year that is and the year that will be.

Happy Birthday to Me and Welcome to My New Blog!

GREETINGS PLEBEIANS!!!! Welcome to the crazy world that is my life. My name is Lauren and, yes, I am really a Lady. I even have the paperwork to prove it.

So.... I've recently started a stint as an Entertainment Blogger over on the Artists on Demand blog and as I do more and more of that, I've started toying with the idea of starting up my own blog. Nothing incredibly fancy or mind-blowingly awesome, but something that's very me. Whatever I choose to blog about, whenever I choose to blog about it. If could be me being excited about a movie I'm waiting to see or how some people act or exist the way they do or anything!

I finally decided to do it and I finished doing up some blogs on the AOD blog and decided to start my own. Today. On my 25th birthday. I'm not likely to forget this day as the day I started this blog because today was my 25th on the 25th... something that will only happen once in my life. I've had an awesome weekend - first there was a birthday brekky yesterday morning with my girl, Claire. This woman is Talented with a capital 'T'!! Check out her writing on her tumblr page here.

Then I continued my "birthday eve" with a massage by my awesome masseuse, Rikki, before heading to a Murder Mystery Night with my group of close friends. Cuz it was my birthday, it was "Lauren-themed", so my BFF, Sarah, and I picked one set against the backdrop of a Hollywood Movie premiere. Sarah went above and beyond with the decorations, creating a Hollywood sign, other movie related decorations on the same wall and an awesome Opening Night sign that really lit up and looked like those old school movie signs. And for the 2nd time at the 2nd Murder Mystery Night in 6 months, I WAS THE MURDERER!!

More awesomeness followed today with a family lunch and chilling this afternoon with my youngest sister, Isobel, watching movies and playing around on Keek.

I'm exhausted after my fabulous weekend, so I am well and truly going to hit the sack and bid you all adieu!!!

Stay tuned for more posts because now that I've started this blog, I actually intend to keep this one going!!